blackangelxv

06:52 am: I am Lost!!
What the hell is wrong with me. I can't stand her, I don't wanna hear her name, see her face, or her voice. But when i look at her picture i miss her with all my heart everything i felt comes rushing back and all the pain comes rushing back. I miss her more than anything, this feeling i just don't understand it im lost. Lost in something that I've never felt before. I thought i'd gotten over these feelings i thought i had casted them away into the deepest oceans of my heart, but they've resurfaced. The biggest problem is I know she has no feelings for me anymore I know im never on her mind or in her heart anymore. The one place where I use to be in her heart is filled with nothing and my heart just feels empty. I know I don't need her, but something keeps telling me that shes all I've ever wanted. She was the girl i fell for and lost. I lost her so quickly because of stupid things and stupid reasons. I'm lost right now lost inside myself, lost in the darkness of my heart, she was the light that guided me through this darkness and now its gone. Nothing can describe whats going on within me right now, just knowing that not even she knows the feelings that she once had for me and knowing that they no longer lie within her hearts makes the darkness even darker for i have for sure lost the light.

03:51 pm: Who I am
Time to tell you who i am. My name is Dexter Devon Taylor a.k.a Diesel or Big D. I'm a pretty laid back dude sometimes for my own good, and im pretty damn confident in my abilities. I'm the type of person who you can count on my boy CB calls me superman because im strong and dependable sounds good to me lol. I try my best to deny that i've been in love and that I do love someone, but I know i do. I only say all that because i was hurt really really bad once and i don't want to be again. As i've grown I know that life is too short to worry about such things sometimes you just gotta give it a chance what do you really have to lose. If you feel that, that person is really worth the risk because they could be that someone you want go for it.

Relationship wise-
In my past i was the guy that would cheat on you, dog you, and hurt you thats not me anymore. Ya i know you might say that was stupid of me to say that, but im not here to lie to you. I'm the guy whos gonna put my all into this relationship to make it as real as possible and if i say it i mean it. I'm willing to give you the world, if your willing to accept it. Im pretty damn romantic I would run your bath water put candles around the tube, Walk on the beach and serenade you on a moonlit night, Take you out to movie just me and you and hold you close, Sit with you at night and watch tv or read a book with you, and everyone knows ima massage specialist so you know when you have a back ache or shoulder ache im gonna be there for you.

Personality-
Ya i've had a bad past my who personality use to be please feel sorry for me I had no kind of self confidence it was sad. Now I realize that im a great person my self confidence is so high and I'm just an all around good person. I try to make people smile and I do act stupid everyonce in awhile, but thats just me. Hey i think im damn cute lol...its not a bad thing to be confident as long as your not cocky with it lol.

I'm all around happy with who i am. Ya i've done somethings in my past, but hey we do somethings we aren't so proud of and i'm damn proud of myself today. Now i just need to find someone who wants all the things i've described and I'll be set lol...

03:19 pm: Its 5:11 and i'm sitting up chillin in my room thinking of shit playing out scenarios. Wondering what the fuck is wrong with people. All i ever hear is i can't find a this and i can't find that i mean hell im even guilty of it. I mean i've got girls to left and right of me saying i wish i could find a guy who wants a real relationship or find a guy who would treat me good, but either when they have one right in front of their face. I'm just i guess you could say shellshocked. Instead of saying i can't find the right guy or I can't find a guy who wants a real relationship stop bullshitting me, yourself, and every other person out there and just say that the guy you want to be with doesn't want a real relationship like you do. Now im just really really bored and tired of things going on around here time for some new adventures, new people, new friends, new everything. Everyone around here is just starting to get to me i'm tired of being around things that I want and can't get because i guess im not good enough. Im paying for my mistakes of the past today and thats something I have to deal with. I gave up on something really great and i miss it like crazy because it was a sure thing, but because i got hurt along time ago i took it out on her and gave up on it.Tired of all the lies and all the liars trust me they turn out to be the people you thought you could trust the most. Theres just so much stuff right now thats going through my mind. Girls, school, heh sex, money, games and all of it is pretty crazy. I want her, miss her, wish for her, wanna be with her, wanna be there for her, go here for school, do that while in school, make money this way, make money that way. Its time to get rid of stuff around here and i guess start over or maybe just do me from now on stop worrying about things, stop wanting things so much. Sounds good to me

"I've learned that all a person has in life is family and friends. If you lose those, you have nothing, so friends are to be treasured more than anything else in the world."

With that being said thats all I ever need those true to me and you know who you truly are. Thank you!!!

04:57 am: Friendship on fire
So I hear love is a friendship on fire and i guess thats how i feel about her. I miss her unbelievably, and yet its so hard to say that why. Why can't we just tell someone that honestly and truthfully that you mean more to me than anybody could understand, and that I never give up because giving up means giving up on something special and giving up on something that could make the earth shake and the heavens sing. Damn this is sounding kinda corny, but aww well. Giving up would also mean giving on something that gives me courage to be myself, someone who never judged me, giving up on my strength and my heart is just not in the picture. I've lost too many good, and amazing things when i gave up. Thats why i can never give up and thats why i keep pushing because no matter what happens, no matter whats the situation theres always a way if theres on thing i've learned on this god forsaken earth is there is always a way its just up to us to find it. I'm tired of settling with what i have and having to give up on things that I want. I can't and I won't, but the only way you could understand any of this is if you've either gone through the same things or your willing to take a chance and never give up.

01:26 am: Its so much better not to know that the person that is on your mind 24/7, the person you care about the most wants to be with someone else. Because when you do find out it totally destroys you i thought i could take it, but i guess i can't. I can tell you exactly what it feels like it feels like your stomach is twisting and turning, like a knife is just being driven deeper and deeper inside of you to the point where you feel no pain anymore. Its like your empty inside and you've lost all feeling. What hurts even worse is having to find out in other ways then being told. The one solution is to find someone who doesn't play games who understands what you really want because they want the same thing. Tired of the games and tired of the lies all that does is make it all the more easier to say goodbye, but also makes it all the more harder. Theres nothing worse than having feelings that aren't returned by the person you care for the most.

I think Boyz II Men said it best in one of their songs Four Seasons Of Lonelines this song just puts everything going on inside of me together

I long for the warmth of days gone by
When you were mine
But now those days are memories in time
Life's empty, without you
By my side
My heart belongs to you
No matter what I try

When I get the courage up to love somebody new
It always falls apart 'cos they just can't compare to you
Your love won't release me
I'm bound under ball and chain
Reminscing our love
As I watch 4 seasons change

In comes the winter breeze
That chills the air and drifts the snow
And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe
When springtime makes it's way here, lilac blooms reminds me of
The scent of your perfume
When summer burns with heat
I always get the hots for you (ooh)
Go skinny dipping in the ocean where we used to do
When autumn sheds the leaves
the trees are bare, when you're not here
It doesn't feel the same

Oooh
Remember
The nights when (remember the night)
When we closed our eyes (when we closed our eyes)
And vowed that you and I would be in love for all time

Everytime I think about these things I shared with you
I break down and cry 'cos I get so emotional (I feel so
emotional)
Until you release me i'm bound under ball and chain
Reminscing our love
As I watch 4 seasons change

In comes the winter breeze
That chills the air and drifts the snow
And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe
When springtime makes it's way here, lilac blooms reminds me of
The scent of your perfume
When summer burns with heat
I always get the hots for you (ooh)
Go skinny dipping in the ocean where we used to do
When autumn sheds the leaves
the trees are bare, when you're not here
It doesn't feel the same

Mmmm
This loneliness has crushed my heart (it's killing me baby)
Please let me love again
'Cause I need your love to comfort me and ease my pain
Or 4 seasons will bring
The loneliness again

In comes the winter breeze
That chills the air and drifts the snow
And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe
When springtime makes it's way here, lilac blooms reminds me of
The scent of your perfume
When summer burns with heat
I always get the hots for you (ooh)
Go skinny dipping in the ocean where we used to do
When autumn sheds the leaves
the trees are bare, when you're not here
It doesn't feel the same

Remember,
The warmth of,
Days gone by.

05:18 am: Time For An Update
Well folks its time for an update haven't written in this thing in forever so lets get going. Well my summer was straight got to know a really really cool girl this summer shes pretty amazing, shes been through some of the same shit i have and plus she understands alot. I really like her shes a badass little momma o yea her name is mandy by the way shes a great friend who i hope i never lose and i just might try to marry her someday j/k. I also kinda figured out what i want like all this playing around is bullshit...i don't wanna play games anymore i know that the next girl i get with its gonna be straight up....no bullshit, no cheating, ima be straight up and i want her to be straight up (when i say straight up i mean honest). I mean i really like this one girl, but she really doesn't know what she wants and shes scared so all i can say is if you want me you know where to find me. I guess you could say that im kinda ready to try this relationship thing for real now...i know its not always gonna work out, but hey i wanna try it out. Also i've come to realize whos important to me and who i would protect with everything, First of all no doubt in my mind that would be my family especially my brothers Frank and Taylor they've been there for me helped me out with every god damn thing there is, i haven't always taken their advice like with the most recent event with another good friend of mine tristan, but we won't get into that. They have my back always and i believe that they are truly part of my family so i advise you think twice before fuckin with us guy or girl (If ya know what I'm saying girls), another person would probably be mandy ya i just got to know her, but shes awesome and probably i hate to say it, but its the truth her cousin tiffany. I honestly don't want any harm to come to that girl, because she means alot to me more than she will ever know. Lori i will protect that girl with my all eventhough things between her and I aren't really on the up and up right now. Its not gonna change my feelings for her and I will still protect her. Kim theres not i can say that would do that girl justice. My boys tristan, christian, josh those three are my boys on the real they are my boys. And finally my fello fat brothrens Richi and Jon thats just how it is. This summer has been an eye opener, i've become pretty damn confident in myself and abilities. Now school has started and its been pretty damn fun and i got a new job at hollywood video thats working out pretty well if i wanna move out soon then ya ima have to get a new job, but other than that its a damn good job and pretty fun. Like i said things lately have been kinda wierd, but maybe they might work out in the end. To me it looks like im losing some of the best things in my life and if thats the case then im sorry and if you need to go do your thing then all the power to you and good luck. On and ending note I like who i am finally and im comfortable and confident with myself it took awhile, but i got there. If you got a problem with that too bad because im good as hell. I would write more, but i should really get some sleep for class tomorrow

03:10 am: I don't know
I hate having this fucken feeling like someone is keeping something from you. Like you can't trust one of the only people you could trust and it fucken sucks. I guess its because when you found something so amazing it makes you paranoid that someone is gonna take it from you, especially if its happened before. Im always on my toes about it and i guess i try not to keep them so close that if they do lie to me it hurts again, but that can also kill anything that i might have. Its a lose, lose situation all i ask is you tell me the truth is that really so much to ask. No lies just the truth ya it might hurt, but at least with the truth i can salvage something if you lie to me and keep lying to me when i found out its just seriously fuck you im done and im not coming back. All i ask for is the truth is that so too much. Im tired of always being on my toes i wanna be able to relax and know that i can put my full trust down and not be worried about secrets and lies. Im kinda tired so i think ima go to bed. I miss her and she knows it and i hope that things are going good. Should i hold on tighter or should let it slip?

06:34 pm: Heh
I'm stupid and no one understands the meaning of me, yet people use me like im an everday word.

What am I?

04:40 am: Nothing I can change
We all make mistakes, mistakes that we can't hide. We try to show the ones we care about a new light show them the error of their ways, but to no avail. We try to make a relationship even while trying not to make it seem like we are just talking about the things we do for and you don't do for us. I wanna make every bit of our time together special. Hell everyone argues from time to time, but you need to understand that we aren't perfect we say things that when they come out of our mouths seem perfect and none offensive, but when you interpret it, its something totally different. What we incode isn't what you decode. I'm not sorry for telling you the truth early in the night, but i am sorry for the way you decoded it. Your so damn special to me and i would do anything for you all i try to do is make you smile. I've fucked up in the past, but who hasn't done something wrong once in their life. Im not the type of person anymore to pull the L-card, i've been down that road before and why say something when you don't know what it is or its meaning. Im not the type of person anymore to use the word love 3 weeks after i've met you when i know i don't really mean it. What is the point of doing that besides to get some or something, but saying to someone i love you when you really don't know them i believe it takes more than a few days to show you love somesone so when i use it, its gonna be something im sure about and your gonna know too. I feel like i should stop trying, stop showing how I feel, stop showing whats going on inside of me; theres no point to that though because i want you to know.

I refuse to give up on you or even to give up on us

01:38 am: Valentines
Heh Valentines day what a day. Just an excuse for stores to make even more money on suckers, but hey if i had a girlfriend honestly i would be one of those suckers lol. Tonight was a pretty great night with a few exceptions i don't know whats gonna come from tonight, but i hope its something good i believe that its not gonna be good, maybe things won't even change. I don't know what to think it was something that i've wanted for a good amount of time and its something i don't regret doing hell i don't regret anything i've done. Hopefully they don't either. Where do I go from here? Do i continue to look towards my goal and try to get her heart. Or do i just stay at where im at and try to dismiss my feelings ya right like thats gonna happen. Anyway ya valentines day sucks no gf is probably what made it suck. But hey i saved money i guess thats one way of looking at it. In other news things need to get settled in all aspects of life. Lifes a bitch so fuck her lol aww so stupid lol.

Our Deepest Fear isn't that we are Inadequate, Our Deepest Fear is that we are Powerful beyond Measure.

Don't ever let someone so special slip through your hands i've made that mistake one too many times and I hope it doesn't happen again.

10:49 pm: Yup
Well heres a real entry for all you people. Yesterday I went to a cookout at my brother jon's house it was a good time. As the night progressed things how can i say happenend. Hes friends with my ex-girlfriend tiffany and she was there. We were all talking jon was upset about his lady friend and she was upset about her dumbass of a boyfriend. We were all talking and just things started to come out i told him about what was going on in my head. I told him about things that were going on and things that i have told him about and things that i haven't told him. I guess all this time apart from people lets you really think about what you want. Like eventhough lori was grounded i still talked to her everyone once in awhile, but now that i don't really get to talk to her it like just gave me time to start thinking about our situations and what i want. Like i sit and read the notes she wrote to me and im like wow I miss everything about her i wish i could just see her even if it were for a second ya know. Then you start thinking about other things. I hung out with tiffany yesterday and to be honest it was great i mean its not like we were arguing or anything hell when we were dating we hardly ever argued actually i don't think we ever did anyway. Just when one door opens another closes with this i could try and get into either doors, but who knows both could just slam shut in my face. Both for reasons that are between me and them, but i guess i kinda decided what i want. I just need to know what she wants. Sorry peeps I'm not gonna divulge that information on here, but if you know me you probably know my decision.

09:20 pm: Amazing Story
Now this may sound corny, but i was watching Extreme Makeover: House Addition. There was this family who son, brother, bf, and uncle had be shot because of mistaken idenity he became a parapledgic (however you spell it) he was strong though he regained use of his arms and wrist and he hopes someday to use his fingers and legs again. Well they lived in a house that was run down they were trying to make it wheelchair assesable, but the contractors took their money and ran off with the house in shambles. Now of course extreme makeover got their story and came to fix up their house sent off on a vacation and started to fix their house up. It had to be the most moving story i have ever seen I cried maybe that makes me a punk, but still it was amazing he was shot 4 times and he had a girlfriend/fiance that stuck by his side the whole time i mean he was such a strong guy his sister and her family moved in to help him out and nobody ever complained one bit about helping him out. It just made all my little problems seem like shit i mean they had nothing. They were sleeping on the floor and sleeping on coachs. He couldn't get into the bathroom because of a big hole in the floor i mean come on. When they saw their new house it was just amazing and thats when i lost it finally a family that just lost just about everything getting a new start and the guy and his fiance got married he gave her a beautiful ring that the show helped him get because he couldn't afford a ring at the time. Just the strength he had and the love everyone showed him was amazing im envious of the guy to have not only the strength to go on, but he has such amazing people a girlfriend that just stuck by his side for so long. This guy literally lost everything, but her. He was on a full ride to college for basketball it was his life and it was stolen from him. When they played the police tape of his 12 year old niece calling the police and telling them that her uncle was shot it was heartbreaking no 12 year old should have to do that. It gives me a new respect for the things i have. Just the thought of someone having that much love its amazing. One day i hope to have that much strength. Just thought i should share an amazing story.

10:34 am: I'm back
I am going to the mall tonight and im going to have alot of fun.....I'll type about the rest of my night after i get back, but right now i don't know what to type about theres so much shit on my mind I got kinda upset over my grade in english, but my teacher is a crack head so its ok. Hopefully if my friend Josue gets me this job ima gonna see if he wants to get a place with because its time i move out. I think my parents are gonna seperate and then get a divorce (not sure about that, but it may happen). My grandfather is coming down here for christmas with alternate motives which means hes trying to get my mom to go back to baltimore and hes offering me some serious shit to go with them a new car, full ride to coppin state, and a job paying 10bucks an hour now if he offered me my own place too i might have to go lol...I don't what to do i really want to stay, but just the way things are going here i might have no choice we will see what happens people give me your opinion on what you think i should do. I really wanna stay, but then again i don't know its rough.

04:43 pm:

you are violet #EE82EE

Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be. Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

08:09 pm: Blah
What do you want me to do. I mean seriously what has this crap come too. I mean i must be the only person to see that there is no problem talking to your gf's or bf's friend. But trust me its a bad thing they end up thinking that you like them and such and in my situation because i am a whore it makes seem like your gonna end up liking your gf's friend. I am 100% happy with you and nothing will change that. If you want me gone just say so....but until then your still a punk your my punk, but your a punk. Anyway off that subject

Shits the same college, Games, And soon a job is too come. Life is the same ole shit. I really have no idea what to write in here. True strength is only obtained my sacrifice and pain. I'm tired of acting like i like someone and not taking their head off when i see them it starts to eat away at you. But because im such a nice guy i'll leave him be. See im very bored and its all you peoples fault. Halo 2 time bye bye kiddies.

05:52 am: The one will come
Someday you will find the one you want to be with maybe not forever but atleast for the time being and you will do something stupid fuck up big time and hopefully the girl/boy will care about you enough to give you a second chance, but don't expect a third or fourth. I fucked up royally i know i did and i've been beating myself up for it which i should, but i can't beat myself up to the extent to where i go crazy thats just not who i am. I learn from my mistakes and accept all consequences attached to them even if i don't like them.

I found the one i wanted to be with and like a normal human being i fucked up now we weren't dating at the time, but that still doesn't make it right. I want to be with this girl and i fucked up. We know how we feel about each other, but the question is are her feelings for me strong enough for her to give me a second chance or not. I'm human i make mistakes, but what makes me different from alot of other people (not all, but alot) is that i learn from my mistakes and make the appropiate changes. We aren't perfect people, but we can learn from out mistakes.

Basis of this is If you find someone try your best not to fuck up. I mean your human and your bound to fuck up in some way its our nature. Just learn from that mistake; make the changes you need to make and live life.

Later Days :-D

04:35 am: Welcome Back!!!
In life we have some serious choices that we have to make. And in life people can be assholes. Because of the choice people make we can miss out on some of the best times in our lives. Just like i might right now, the way i look at its worth any consequence to me, but will it go both ways are you willing to reap the consequences.

The way i look at it is, Is the juice is really worth the squeeze basically that means if you gonna go for it you better be willing to accept the consequences for your actions and trust me if you saw what i saw today then the juice really is worth the squeeze

05:27 am: I hope my friend doesn't mind me stealing this from her, but her philosphy right there kinda explains some of the shit that i've been thinking of. Anyway Thanks Lindia for not killing me for borrowing this i should say. Your awesome and i always got your back.

I love how when everything you think is easy, suddenly becomes complicated. You wake up one day and realized the rose colored glasses you wore for the longest time, was nothing more than a part of denial...A way to keep yourself from seeing yourself, and finding out that life really isn’t meant to be so happy. It’s nothing like "The Wonder Years" or "Full House". Your problems don’t resolve in an hour, and you can fall out of love as fast as Romeo killed himself at the sake of Juliet....and I can bet that if Romeo had waited a few minutes longer before his plunge to death, he would have realized that he wasn’t dying for Juliet, he was dying for himself...to save himself from heartbreak, and to save himself from the world. There’s really nothing worth living for, or dying for at that matter....we’re just simply in a purgatory of ourselves. Enjoy it while it lasts.

05:30 am: You only aloud three special women in your life...Just something to think about. As i sit here typing this i just type what comes to my mind. I don't plan out my day here telling you the boring details of me doing this or me doing this person and blah blah blah....I'm sure its in everyones journals. Well im not gonna say anything about my day because today was just boring nothing big happenend, but some homework. Sitting here thinking about things that are going on with me. My moms leaving to go to baltimore for 3 weeks, so of course that means me here alone for 3 weeks my dad works nights so ya i'll basically be here by myself from about 6 until like 8 in the morning everyday, but thur, fri, and sat.

It seems my brother Taylor and I have found two awesome girls. Now the one i like may not know who ninja turtles are or captain planet (something we really need to work on), but shes really cool i can hold a freaking 5 year conversation with her and shes very beautiful. Right now we are just chilling, but some time soon something may happen (I hope :p) . Now on taylors girl shes just his type hell she knows what Captain Planet is and what makes her even cooler is she knows that Linka (the blonde girl with the wind ring) is from Russia. Taylor thinks im wrong when i say she is from Russia if anyone here knows that im right please comment saying so because we all know that Linka is russian hell that accent gives it away, even if you don't know the opening of the show.

I know its wrong to think so...but this whole thing that i keep hearing about peoples relationships are hilarious a friend of mine online tells me that he and his girlfriend break up. And he tells me the whole story and i start laughing like theres no tomorrow. I can't tell you his story because it wouldn't be right, but its still funny as hell. Now this whole thing with someone telling lillie that her bf was cheating on her which was a lie, but a very well thought out plan if i say so myself and then someone saying that lillie is having a sexual relationship with don just someone trying to do all this makes me laugh i mean ya its mean that im getting kicks out of someones elses pain and suffering, but hey people get kicks out of mine hell im only human. But its not like im the one causing it so i don't really see the trouble.(now the names in this story have been changed to protect the actual people, but if you know whats going on then you know who im talking about) Don't worry about shit you have no control over because you have no control over it; don't worry about the things you have control over because you have control over them just seems to make sense in situations like this. Anyway Its....5:30 in the morning and i got class tomorrow not like its a morning class so i'll probably be up for another hour or so. Basically everyone have a great week and take care of yourselves. If you need me to help you out at all don't hesitate to give me a call or Just IM me.

Later Days

09:30 pm: The confessions of a confused man
Sitting here thinking of all that goes down. What do i need to do to for you to see what it could be like for us to be. Life is full of so many confusing things thats why im hear to help you with it. For some reason it seems like things are drifting times are changing, are we just running out of things to say or are our lives getting to busy to see and talk to each other. Why can't things just be simple, but if they were then life wouldn't be as much fun as it is. What is to become of it. The more you want something the less obtainable it becomes. Maybe thats the problem I want something so much its becoming very unobtainable. Life is confusing and im a confusing person, but for you to understand me you must let me show you that i can be someone to trust, respect and sometime maybe love.